My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
