they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
