"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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