my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
