is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
