I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
