What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
