32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
