I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
