I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
