So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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