So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
