I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
