i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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