I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
