I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
