I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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