All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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