I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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