I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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