My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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