you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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