So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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