the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
