is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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