How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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