new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
