So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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