your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
