I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
