So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize