her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
