Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
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I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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