sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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