walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
