had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
