Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
