I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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