How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
