i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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