We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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