i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
