I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
