Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
