I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
