you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
