Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
