I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
