May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
