i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I forget how to act sober
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
