I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
