I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
