we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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